Someone asked me for my number the other day. I didn’t give it to him, but then I walked away and asked myself, “Why am I acting like I have options?” So I went back and gave it to him. This seemed simple enough. In terms of romantic interactions, this seemed like the equivalent of churning butter. You give a guy your number, and he calls/texts you to hang out. There is a definite action and a definite outcome.
Since then, I’ve come to realize that there is nothing as simple as churning butter in romantic interactions. There’s just you sitting in an empty barn, beating the air with a big stick, screaming, ‘WHERE’S THE BUTTER WHY ISN’T THERE BUTTER.” That is, until you receive your first sext:
Then you put down the stick, use it for kindling, and set the barn on fire. The barn is your life. Goodbye.
Getting your first sext is a lot like being born. The warm, happy place where you lived just seconds ago is suddenly ripped away from you, and now you’re cold and wet and naked and screaming at this brave new world where you have to live for the rest of your life. You can never go back to the life you had before you got your first sext. You need to grieve. You need to allow yourself to go through the Eight Stages of Reacting to a Sext.
1) Ignore it.
2) Make a joke.
3) Try ignoring it again.
4) Make another joke.5) Randomly say the word ‘magical.’
6) Keep going with the whole ‘magical’ thing.7) Just…ummm.8) Accept it.
You want to text him back, “YOU KNOW HOW SPOCK LOVES KIRK? THAT’S WHAT I’M LOOKING FOR CAN YOU GIMME THAT? CAN YOU? DID YOU SEE THE NEW STAR TREK MOVIE? IT’S EXCELLENT,” but you don’t text him that because your therapist just had a chat with you about boundaries. You try to move on and let it go, but you’re haunted by Mr. Sext — you’re terrified he’s going to be around every corner, waiting for you, leaning up against a wall and sensually scrolling through his iPhone. He’s everywhere, just waiting to tell you how adequate his penis is.