I have not blogged for two months.  This is because I have been — how do you say?  Ahh yes, really depressed.  I have been suffering from a Pirates of the Caribbean-esque curse, where even Gristede’s day-old cake turns to ash in my mouth, and when I look in the mirror, I see Geoffrey Rush staring back at me.

I fell down the sadhole after I got back from a long interview in Los Angeles that I thought was going to land me an awesome job where I would get to write funny things for money.  I was convinced I would never have to work in the service industry again.  I would never have to pretend to like someone’s baby so that they’d leave me a better tip, or pretend to be really into that new band from Williamsburg I’ve never heard of.  I could bid farewell to coming home at 4AM smelling like Sam Adams, ears ringing from the blast of techno music — fun fact, there’s a reason they don’t call it “tech-yes” music.

But no.  All LA did for me was remind me how angry I get when I drive, because I’m really bad at operating car radios.  A large portion of my time in LA was spent stopped at red lights, screaming, “WORK, YOU…DICKHOLE…MUSIC…MACHINE!!” None of the other drivers seemed to understand what frustration was, because they were all — fact — high on medical marijuana.

So, two months ago I came back to New York, didn’t unpack my bags for a week, and cried at the end of Rock of Ages, because I had, in fact, stopped believing.  Hurricane Sandy hit, and I washed my hair in a bucket for a week — no matter.  Thanksgiving came and went, and I saw a merry parade come and go — all pointless.  The only thing that brought me any joy was Muffincat smelling my breath every morning, as part of her never-ending search for turkey.  She’s convinced that someday I’ll wake up with a whole turkey in my mouth. Maybe she’s right.  Maybe someday I will.

But this past Sunday, something marvelous happened — something that transcends all sadholes:

This past Sunday, I saw Liz and Dick, and it reminded me of something very important: I can laugh.  It reminded me how fucking much I can laugh.  Never have I ever been so involved in a Lifetime made-for-TV-movie, not even when my mom made me watch Fifteen and Pregnant all those years ago when I started to get boobs.  No, Lindz Lohan and her costar, Some Englishman, singlehandedly pulled me out of my depression.

See this move. Buy it, TiVo it, download it illegally, and then get really drunk.  Take a shot every time someone says something you read in a 14-year-old’s Xanga when you were bored and feeling self-destructive.  Try not to die.  Take a day off work, it’s the holidays, your boss will get over it — and if you get fired, then it was for a good reason.  From the Rick James wig they make Lindz wear in her Cleopatra scenes, to Mrs. Burton’s Pangea-sized forehead, this is cinematic gold.  We’re all busy, but if you don’t see this movie, you’re going to miss Lindz doing what is maybe the greatest Carol Channing impression ever recorded.  For 88 minutes straight.

But I kind of get it.  We have jobs.  My ears are slowly drowning in their own blood.  Everyone has issues.  So here is Liz and Dick summed up in 15 sentences.  This condensed version will forever and ever hereafter be known as Lick.

1) The first forty-five minutes of the film: I hate y–NO WAIT I LOVE YOU!!

2) The soundtrack is composed entirely of derpy instruments — every time someone drives, there’s an oboe solo.

3) On pools: “I don’t need a pool, I’ve got a whole ocean in you.”

4) Lindz yells, “I’M BORED I’M SO BORED!” at some lawn furniture.

5) Some Englishman yells, “MISS BOSSYBOOTS TAYLOR” at Lindz, and it really hurts her feelings.

6) In the only clearly post-sex scene, Some Englishman uses Lindz’s butt as a pillow.

7) After Lindz and Some Englishman break up (for the first time), she swallows a bunch of pills, so Some Englishman picks her up and runs with her all the way to the hospital — depriving us of an oboe solo.

8) Half the budget was spent on Lindz’s bronzer.  The other half was spent on the Sharpie pens used to draw on her eyebrows.

9) This dialogue:

Lindz: These hands are pudgy!
Some Englishman: No they’re not!
Lindz: Are you sure?!
Some Englishman: One thousand percent!

10) Lindz picks up a movie script, and Some Englishman yells, “WITCH! THAT’S A BOOK!”

11) For the last three minutes of the TV-movie, Lindz turns into Liza Minnelli.

12) Some Englishman plays Blackbeard for one scene, lying in a bed, wasted.

13) Lindz, Some Englishman, and their fifteen children from past marriages live on a boat for a few months (years?).

14) When Lindz is suddenly in the hospital for no reason with her legs in slings, a doctor comes in and says, “Look, I’m not saying it’s colon cancer, but…”

15) Pangea-Forehead.

2 thoughts on “Lick.

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