The Lochte Monster.

Ryan Lochte is reportedly in talks to do an unspecified reality TV show.

I think Ryan Lochte is one helluva swimmer, and a satiating piece of eye candy, but I can’t imagine any existing reality TV shows would do his particular talents justice.

So before this process goes any further, I would like to offer up the 10 ideas I can think of that would interest me in watching Ryan Lochte on a reality TV show.

The Top 10 Ryan Lochte Reality TV Show Pitches

1) The Lochte Monster

Ryan Lochte is forced to live in a lake for 365 days.
Tagline: Nessie Ain’t Sh*t.

2) Lochte Who’s Talking Now!

A dating game show during which Ryan Lochte interviews different women while wearing his famous grill.  Whichever lady comes closest to understanding what he says gets to go on a date with him.
Tagline: Intelligence Unlochtes His Heart.

3) Lochte and Throw Away the Key

Each episode focuses on Ryan Lochte’s survival skills.  He is placed in a confined space–various suburban basements, caves, foxholes, etc.–with only his Olympic speedo, swim cap, and goggles, and must find a way to freedom before the 6-hour mark.
Tagline: This Time Winning Means Living.

4) Taking Tea with Lochte.

A weekly televised book review that features Ryan Lochte taking Afternoon Tea in various famous tea houses around the world, while offering up his intellectual views on classic literature.
Tagline: Lochte and Sympathy–For Proust, Because He Was Totally Overrated, AmiRight?!

5) Grillin’ with Lochte

A Food Network special that features Ryan Lochte grilling meat while wearing his grill. (Note: Subtitles are a must.)
(Grillin’ With an Olympic Champ.)

6) Lochteeth

A camera crew follows Ryan Lochte’s charismatic grill on its daily goings on.  From meeting with companies who have endorsed Ryan Lochte, to calling Lochte’s mother to check up on her health, we come to find that behind every great Olympic athlete, there’s a greater accessory.
Tagline: Where’s There’s a Grill, There’s A Way.

7) Trophy Wife

A Bachelor-esque type show, starring Ryan Lochte and ten beautiful ladies.  The ladies all come from different backgrounds and countries, but have one thing in common: their love for Ryan Lochte.  The show ends with Ryan Lochte giving one of these girls her dream come true: a one-night stand with Ryan Lochte.
Tagline: Ten Women, One-Night Stand.

8) Lochteam

Ryan Lochte must teach a group of ten, sassy NYC inner city public school kids how to swim.  The season ends with the team competing in a district swimming competition, and if they lose, Ryan Lochte has to give back all his Olympic medals.
Tagline: It’s All on the Lane.

9) Lochtean Slip

We follow Ryan Lochte as he uses the word “JEAH!” in entirely inappropriate social contexts in his everyday life.

Devon Lochte: Ryan, great news!  Grandma’s gonna be ok!
Ryan Lochte: JEAH!
Devon Lochte: Dude. Come on.

Tagline: Can a Catchphrase be Too Catchy?

10) Lochtearas and Toddlers.

A difficult but comely toddler is coached to success (or failure) on the youth beauty pageant circuit by King of Fashion, Ryan Lochte.  Watch Ryan tap, sing, and do what he loves best: wear clothes.
Tagline: Youth, Beauty, and Green Rhinestones.

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