I recently went to a friend’s party and played “a drinking game” for the first time since my sophomore year of college. It made me feel young and impulsive and free, as if I belonged to no one but the fateful flip of the card, as if I was at no one’s mercy but that goddamned Jenga piece!
But srsly. It also made me feel like a real douchebag, because I’m not in college anymore, and I shouldn’t be playing drinking games at my age. I should be playing serious games, like Russian Roulette, or Monopoly. I should be wearing a hoopskirt and sipping mint juleps somewhere in the countryside. I should be complaining about taxes and taking vitamin supplements.
So I came up with some age-appropriate drinking games, and the social functions we are beginning to face in young adulthood that they might be good for.
The Emperor’s New Freud
(The Emperor’s New Groove)
Drink every time you find yourself attracted to the llama.
NOTE: You may also drink every time you remember the llama is actually Joe Dirt, and subsequently feel even worse about yourself.
USE FOR: therapy sessions
There Will Be Lulz
(There Will Be Blood)
Drink every time someone laughs inappropriately. If you’re in a self-destructive mood, fast forward to all the Paul Dano scenes.
NOTE: Everyone waterfalls during the “I drink your milkshake” scene.
USE FOR: funeral receptions
I’m Not Hammered Enough to Watch This, Hand me Another Shot of Captain
(any movie with Nathan Fillion, i.e. Captain Hammer in Dr. Horibble’s Sing-Along Blog)
Drink whenever Nathan Fillion’s character says something Captain Hammer would say.
NOTE: Bonus points if you can get drunk off watching Waitress.
USE FOR: bachelorette parties (preferably a Captain Hammer themed party, complete with a Captain Hammer stripper)
13 Going on Thirsty
(13 Going on 30)
Drink every time you wish Mark Ruffalo would turn into The Hulk and throw Jennifer Garner into space.
NOTE: Bonus drink to anyone who can successfully incorporate “HULK SMASH” into the dialogue of a scene.
USE FOR: your niece’s birthday party, your brother’s bachelor party
The Little Shell-Bra
(The Little Mermaid)
Drink every time Ariel’s tiny little shell-bra should fall off but doesn’t because her boobs are Disney magicked.
NOTE: Everyone waterfalls during the (in)famous “tits-to-the-breeze” rock scene.
USE FOR: your best friend’s baby shower
Drink whenever you get distracted by the size of Salieri’s nose.
NOTE: To get thrice as drunk, drink every time you begin to nod off during the movie.
USE FOR: bonding with your dad (who will not nod off during this movie, ever)
Drink every time you find yourself accidentally staring at Rose’s ample bosom.
NOTE: Everyone waterfalls during the…well, you know, the scene.
*NOTE-NOTE: A variation on this game is “Sassy Bagpipes,” during which you drink every time Rose and/or Jack run around while lively bagpipes play in the background.
USE FOR: first date, or unintentional last date that ends with you coming out of the closet because you either looked at her boobs too much or not at all
Drink whenever you hear Sigourney Weaver’s voice and think of her wig in Galaxy Quest.
NOTE: You can balls-to-the-wall this game by also drinking whenever you hear Zoe Saldana’s voice and think of Center Stage.
USE FOR: any and all parties where NYU Tisch graduates are present
BONUS MASOCHISM GAME