The Top 10 Age-Appropriate Movie Drinking Games No One Will Ever Play.

That’s me on the right.

I recently went to a friend’s party and played “a drinking game” for the first time since my sophomore year of college.  It made me feel young and impulsive and free, as if I belonged to no one but the fateful flip of the card, as if I was at no one’s mercy but that goddamned Jenga piece!

But srsly.  It also made me feel like a real douchebag, because I’m not in college anymore, and I shouldn’t be playing drinking games at my age.  I should be playing serious games, like Russian Roulette, or Monopoly.  I should be wearing a hoopskirt and sipping mint juleps somewhere in the countryside.  I should be complaining about taxes and taking vitamin supplements.

So I came up with some age-appropriate drinking games, and the social functions we are beginning to face in young adulthood that they might be good for.

The Emperor’s New Freud
(The Emperor’s New Groove)

Drink every time you find yourself attracted to the llama.
NOTE: You may also drink every time you remember the llama is actually Joe Dirt, and subsequently feel even worse about yourself.
USE FOR: therapy sessions

There Will Be Lulz
(There Will Be Blood)

Drink every time someone laughs inappropriately.  If you’re in a self-destructive mood, fast forward to all the Paul Dano scenes.
NOTE: Everyone waterfalls during the “I drink your milkshake” scene.
USE FOR: funeral receptions

I’m Not Hammered Enough to Watch This, Hand me Another Shot of Captain
(any movie with Nathan Fillion, i.e. Captain Hammer in Dr. Horibble’s Sing-Along Blog)

Drink whenever Nathan Fillion’s character says something Captain Hammer would say.
NOTE: Bonus points if you can get drunk off watching Waitress.
USE FOR: bachelorette parties (preferably a Captain Hammer themed party, complete with a Captain Hammer stripper)

13 Going on Thirsty
(13 Going on 30)

Drink every time you wish Mark Ruffalo would turn into The Hulk and throw Jennifer Garner into space.
NOTE: Bonus drink to anyone who can successfully incorporate “HULK SMASH” into the dialogue of a scene.
USE FOR: your niece’s birthday party, your brother’s bachelor party

The Little Shell-Bra
(The Little Mermaid)

Drink every time Ariel’s tiny little shell-bra should fall off but doesn’t because her boobs are Disney magicked.
NOTE: Everyone waterfalls during the (in)famous “tits-to-the-breeze” rock scene.
USE FOR: your best friend’s baby shower

Amadedrunk
(Amadeus)

Drink whenever you get distracted by the size of Salieri’s nose.
NOTE: To get thrice as drunk, drink every time you begin to nod off during the movie.
USE FOR: bonding with your dad (who will not nod off during this movie, ever)

Titnic
(Titanic)

Drink every time you find yourself accidentally staring at Rose’s ample bosom.
NOTE: Everyone waterfalls during the…well, you know, the scene.
*NOTE-NOTE: A variation on this game is “Sassy Bagpipes,” during which you drink every time Rose and/or Jack run around while lively bagpipes play in the background.
USE FOR: first date, or unintentional last date that ends with you coming out of the closet because you either looked at her boobs too much or not at all

Drink Up
(Up)

Drink every time you cry.
NOTE: You will be hammered two minutes in.
USE FOR: existential crises, post-getting-fired binges

Avatanked
(Avatar)

Drink whenever you hear Sigourney Weaver’s voice and think of her wig in Galaxy Quest.
NOTE: You can balls-to-the-wall this game by also drinking whenever you hear Zoe Saldana’s voice and think of Center Stage.
USE FOR: any and all parties where NYU Tisch graduates are present

Van Heldrink
(Van Helsing)

Drink every time you realize you’re actually/accidentally watching Underworld. Or are you? Drink anyway.
USE FOR: drinking alone, because no one is watching either of those movies with you

BONUS MASOCHISM GAME

Trainslurred
(Trainspotting)

Drink every time you can’t understand what someone just said.
USE FOR: suicide cults, and if you don’t belong to one, don’t ever play this drinking game, because it will end with you dying

Ghosts.

I recently lost a friendship.  I’ve lost friendships before, but this one is different, mainly because I have not told my former friend that we are not friends anymore.  I haven’t told her, because I’m afraid of her.

Leah, my non-friend, recently played “Starlet Ghost” on an episode of Celebrity Ghost Stories, and because she did that, we are no longer friends–because I’m really, really afraid of ghosts.
More than failure, or being a waitress forever, or office jobs, or even my cat’s well-being, I am concerned about visitors from beyond our plane of existence.  Ever since I was a kid, I’ve had to close all closet doors in my bedroom, out of fear that I’ll wake up in the middle of the night, look up, and see a fucking ghost in the doorway.  I face all mirrors away from my bed at night, so that I don’t look up at 4AM and see a fucking ghost staring out at me from the Other World.  And now, I’m afraid of Leah, because she is a ghost in my mind.  This was Leah before she became LeahGhost:

RIP

This is LeahGhost watching herself as Starlet Ghost on TV:

My fear of ghosts has also affected my professional life, especially since the last job I had was in a haunted office.  When I was working as a receptionist many  moons (a couple months) ago, I opened the office most mornings, which meant being the first and only person there for about an hour and a half.  For a full week, I came in and the office television was on, even though I was the first person there and no one ever used that TV.  Even creepier, it was always on a channel that I never knew existed: opera previews.  At all times, there were previews for operas playing on that channel; big-busted women with meaty forearms in jezebel makeup, screaming in agony.  Creepier still, when the other receptionist opened, the TV was never on.

That same week, about ten minutes after I’d gotten into the office and turned the TV off, I heard what sounded like, I do not exaggerate, a nuclear power plant alarm going off.  I was so scared that a murdered factory worker had come back from the grave in the form of a siren, I called maintenance to come up and check on it.  The maintenance guy came in, told me he liked my pants-suit, and that he had “had one just like it back in 70’s,” then walked flippantly into the back of the office.  I fully expected to hear an anguished cry and then see his disembodied head roll out into the reception area, but instead he jaunted back in about 10 seconds later, and tossed me a cell phone someone had left at their desk.  The volume was on full, and the alarm was going off.

And then I saw the office ghost.  Same week, same scenario, I came in and turned on all of the lights, turned the TV off after oogling the singer’s goodies for a couple minutes, sat down at the reception desk, and looked up to see a man walk out of the kitchen and into the back office. I screamed.  However, the reception area is encased by glass, and it’s the only office on that floor, so no one came running in to help.  I sat there, completely still and sweating profusely, for about ten minutes.  I went through all the possibilities–there was only one way into the office, it had been locked, all the lights were off–and concluded that I had just imagined it.  I hummed “Kumbaya” a couple times and got up the nerve to walk into the kitchen to get some coffee.

I walked into the back office and saw it. There it was, the ghost, in a grey maintenance outfit, pretending to wash a window.  It was the same maintenance guy who had answered my call for help when the nuclear power plant was threatening to combust.  He turned around and said, “Hey.” I slowly backed out of the room.  Even creepier, I never saw him leave the office that morning, and I didn’t see him ever again during my time at that office.  Every time someone called maintenance, a different guy came.

Since then, I have concluded that one of two things must have happened:

1) The maintenance man died during the time between answering my call for help and coming back to wash the windows, and that was his ghost taking care of unfinished business.
2) He was always a ghost, but still takes occasional maintenance gigs.

Still, I cannot be friends with LeahGhost, even though she stayed my friend after she learned that I am secretly Thor.