Since graduating, it has become more and more apparent that we need more relatable heroes and heroines in our pop culture. We need people who are struggling in these hard economic times–struggling to find jobs, trying to figure out their mediocre path in life, debating whether or not to adopt a cat, etc. We need more girls with saggy boobs, more effeminate men who pretend to be straight, kids who are awful instead of adorable.
Since movie studios love already-established franchises, I give you…
The Top 6 Greatest Economic Crisis Movie Sequels Never Written:
Since the average clown fish only lives 3-6 years, we revisit Nemo at age 6 months, just as he’s graduating from high school and beginning to receive college acceptance letters. Nemo has his heart set on attending Vassar, because he’s a big Meryl Streep fan.
Unfortunately, his loving father Marlin had to spend so much money on therapy for Nemo’s post-traumatic stress syndrome after he returned home in the original Finding Nemo, the family’s savings are gone. We follow Nemo on his journey to try and secure college scholarships from local businesses, the Rotary Club, and through the twisted innards of the dreaded organization known as FAFSA.
After spending four years in a coma, and then two movies’ worth of time killing people, The Bride realizes too late that she has totally forgotten to pay her taxes!
The movie begins with her getting an Audit Notice from the IRS, and ends with her killing everyone in the government.
Beauty and the Lease
We revisit Belle and Prince Adam (formerly The Beast) 8 months after their wedding. Adam has just given an undisclosed settlement to Gaston’s family, who sued him for emotional distress. With all their money tied up in court fees, and the village people still pretty peeved about the castle fight, Belle and Adam head for the Big Apple! They quickly realize that even though Adam is a prince, they’ll never be able to afford Manhattan real estate, so they start looking in Brooklyn.
The couple try and fail to secure leases on several apartmenst in Williamsburg, and eventually settle for a shoebox-sized pad in Bushwick which Adam, who, again, is a prince, can still barely afford. We see the couple cope with the normal problems in any young marriage: Adam’s fear of flowers, and Belle’s inevitable weight gain once she doesn’t have a team of possessed houseware to cook for her.
John McClane’s son, John McClane, Jr. has just graduated from Columbia University. Determined to be nothing like his father, he got a degree in Women’s Studies. But after six months of post-grad job searching with no prospects, he reluctantly decides to go ahead and become an action hero in the hope of setting himself apart from other job applicants.
After seeking out a hostage situation in the Middle East, he uses his genetic-action-hero-know-how and the critical thinking skills he got from his Liberal Arts Degree to save a bunch of attractive American tourists and becomes a hero.
He still doesn’t find a job.
Exit Through the Thrift Shop
We explore the dangerous and exotic sub-community of career thrift shoppers. Their charismatic leader, Thrifty, narrates in shadow in order to avoid prosecution for being too good at looking so good for so little money. We follow Thrifty as he fails to teach a French sorority girl how to shop on a budget.