The Top 6 Economic Crisis Movie Sequels Never Written.

Since graduating, it has become more and more apparent that we need more relatable heroes and heroines in our pop culture.  We need people who are struggling in these hard economic times–struggling to find jobs, trying to figure out their mediocre path in life, debating whether or not to adopt a cat, etc. We need more girls with saggy boobs, more effeminate men who pretend to be straight, kids who are awful instead of adorable.
Since movie studios love already-established franchises, I give you…

The Top 6 Greatest Economic Crisis Movie Sequels Never Written:

Funding Nemo
Since the average clown fish only lives 3-6 years, we revisit Nemo at age 6 months, just as he’s graduating from high school and beginning to receive college acceptance letters.  Nemo has his heart set on attending Vassar, because he’s a big Meryl Streep fan.
Unfortunately, his loving father Marlin had to spend so much money on therapy for Nemo’s post-traumatic stress syndrome after he returned home in the original Finding Nemo, the family’s savings are gone.  We follow Nemo on his journey to try and secure college scholarships from local businesses, the Rotary Club, and through the twisted innards of the dreaded organization known as FAFSA.

Kill Bills
After spending four years in a coma, and then two movies’ worth of time killing people, The Bride realizes too late that she has totally forgotten to pay her taxes!
The movie begins with her getting an Audit Notice from the IRS, and ends with her killing everyone in the government.

Beauty and the Lease
We revisit Belle and Prince Adam (formerly The Beast) 8 months after their wedding.  Adam has just given an undisclosed settlement to Gaston’s family, who sued him for emotional distress.  With all their money tied up in court fees, and the village people still pretty peeved about the castle fight, Belle and Adam head for the Big Apple!  They quickly realize that even though Adam is a prince, they’ll never be able to afford Manhattan real estate, so they start looking in Brooklyn.
The couple try and fail to secure leases on several apartmenst in Williamsburg, and eventually settle for a shoebox-sized pad in Bushwick which Adam, who, again, is a prince, can still barely afford.  We see the couple cope with the normal problems in any young marriage: Adam’s fear of flowers, and Belle’s inevitable weight gain once she doesn’t have a team of possessed houseware to cook for her.

Try Hard
John McClane’s son, John McClane, Jr. has just graduated from Columbia University.  Determined to be nothing like his father, he got a degree in Women’s Studies.  But after six months of post-grad job searching with no prospects, he reluctantly decides to go ahead and become an action hero in the hope of setting himself apart from other job applicants.
After seeking out a hostage situation in the Middle East, he uses his genetic-action-hero-know-how and the critical thinking skills he got from his Liberal Arts Degree to save a bunch of attractive American tourists and becomes a hero.
He still doesn’t find a job.

Try Harder
John McClane, Jr. is forced to personally pay for all the property he destroyed during Try Hard.

Exit Through the Thrift Shop
We explore the dangerous and exotic sub-community of career thrift shoppers. Their charismatic leader, Thrifty, narrates in shadow in order to avoid prosecution for being too good at looking so good for so little money.  We follow Thrifty as he fails to teach a French sorority girl how to shop on a budget.

My boyfriend is too handsome to not be an alien.

Part of the whole “I Have a Blog Mystique” is remaining perpetually, ambiguously single. But I’m gonna go ahead and say it: I have a boyfriend.  He’s named after a Superman villain in non-internet life, so we shall refer to him by a different Superman villain name: Ultraman.
We’re going to call him this partly because it’s funny, and partly because he is, in fact, the ultra-man.  He’s hilarious, he cooks, he cleans, digs on animals, is a very funny writer, and makes sure I get in my pajamas when I’m drunk and screaming, “YOU’RE NOT MY DAD”–he’s awesome. But there is one thing that’s very, very wrong with our relationship: he’s too handsome.

Oh, boo hoo for me, right? I’m so serious.  When I first met him, I immediately disliked him because I thought he might be a member of an alien race who had studied mankind extensively, programmed the perfect-looking man, and sent him to Earth to impregnate as many women as he could in order to begin a slow but steady in-bred invasion.  So in the name of patriotism, I was a real she-dick to him the night we first met.

Over time, although I have given into his charm and he’s my boyfriend now, this theory has only solidified.  This is a conversation we had recently, and it is the perfect example of why he’s an alien:

Keely: I want cake so bad right now.
Ultraman: Yeah, I’m totally craving some spinach.
Keely: AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!

Part of the problem with dating someone super-duper-handsome is that because he’s perfect-looking and so wonderful, he gets all of the attention wherever he goes. People meet him and they come up to me later and say things like, “Oh, Ultraman is so cute, you’re the luckiest!” and I’m drunk by then, and all, “Thanks, Ben Folds, but I tried really hard to look good tonight. Can we not spare me one teensy compliment on my more-feminine-plaid-choice?”

He also gets hit on all the time, and not in a subtle way. We’ll walk into a party, and by the time I’ve accidentally bumped into the coat rack, he’s in the middle of the room surrounded by a circle of women.  Immediately, my DUMB BITCH alarm starts going off.  My DUMB BITCH alarm consists of Liza Minelli’s voice screaming in my ear, “DUMB, DUMB BITCHES, WHY AREN’T YOU HITTING ON ME INSTEAD OF MY STUPIDLY HANDSOME BOYFRIEND?” So I’ll go over and casually drop a few Melissa Etheridge lyrics into the conversation, get completely ignored by all the girls, and accidentally ensnare yet another lifelong friendship with a gay man.

Women, straight men, gay men, even children love Ultraman.  He has so much animal magnetism, even my cat loves him. And she is a cat.  I posted recently that my best friend Lilly got engaged.  She asked me to be her Maid of Honor (I wept, different story).  I asked Ultraman to go to her engagement party with me. He was going with me, the Maid of Honor, people should have been so excited to meet me because I am the kind of person who gets asked to be a Maid of Honor.  No.  By the end of the evening, all of Lilly’s little cousins were following him around in a parade, clawing at his clothes like little lepers begging for the healing hands of Jesus Christ.  I sat in the corner, eating soft pretzels and cheese dip, overhearing the occasional woman say in a swoony voice, “Oh, I just love spinach, because you can cook it or just eat it raw! Wow!”

There are, however, a lot of perks to dating good-looking people.  For example, you become more desirable by association.  People find out I’m Ultraman’s girlfriend, and they’re immediately like, “You must be really smart or something!”  Even my friends have come to view me in a different light, like I figured out some long-kept secret and joined a secret club that’s so secret, our membership rings have to be kept out of public sight, so they’re toe-rings.  But mostly, in those rare moments when I look at him and actually believe I get to date this guy, I end up feeling insecure.  It would be so much easier if he had a drug problem, or had gotten a girl pregnant when he was 16 and was emotionally damaged.  Whenever he walks into a room without a shirt on, we have the same conversation:

Keely: I think we should break up. I can’t take all this handsomeness anymore.
Ultraman: You’re so sweet and funny and quirky, I just adore everything about you!
Keely: AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!