My BFF got engaged.

Why I have not updated for a month:

1) I have been busy trying to save money–and failing miserably because of the random products they nestle into Gristedes, like irresistible little $10 booby traps.

2) Lowered self-esteem.  My cat yells at me a lot.

3) Relationship trouble.
4) The crushing realization that my dreams of a life where I get paid to do what I love may never come true.  Or, more largely, what goes on in my head versus what’s actually going on around me.
Example:

A text I recently received:
The text I felt I should have received:

5) The discovery of a kindred spirit.

6) Unabashed selfishness.
(And yes, he tooootally did!)

7) And my best friend got engaged.

The guy in the mini-Indiana Jones hat is Nick, her fiance.

So that’s hard.

Wedding Party.

Lilly getting engaged actually has  a lot to do with my not blogging, because for a while, it made everything in life seem futile.  Firstly, Lilly will be–and this is not an exaggeration–the most beautiful bride ever.  Once Lilly gets married, there won’t be much point in even buying wedding dresses anymore.  If I ever get one of my gay guy friends drunk enough to marry me, I might as well might as well just throw on a burlap sack and crocs. That’s how beautiful she’ll be.
Even more tragically, I’ll have one less person to make fun of happy couples with on Facebook.  When Lilly and I were roommates sophomore year of college, roughly 80% of our non-homework time was spent perusing the FB, laughing at young engaged couples, being all smarmy about how mature we were to know that nothing is permanent–marriage is crazytown!  The other 20% of my non-homework time was spent writing terrifying nautical-themed notes to my friend Gillian:

Plus, there was always this very specific something in Nick and Lilly’s relationship that I felt would keep them from ever being together long-term. For the longest time,  Nick thought I was totally gaybones for Lilly–and I am, I’m super gay for Lilly.  But not in a sexual way.  I love Lilly in that chaste, courtly love kind of way, where I would write her poetry about how perfect her boobs are, but never, ever in a million years want to motorboat them. (Unless it was to make sure they’re real, cause they might be fake. No one’s boobs are that naturally perky.)  But that isn’t the reason I didn’t think they’d make it long-term, this is why:

THEY HAVE THIS IN THEIR APARTMENT!!

The first time I ever visited their apartment, I saw this thing–this THING–with red eyes, that might be a dog, but is absolutely haunted.  Its head moves, and it’s probably Satan.  For ages I’ve been expecting to walk in and find Lilly and Nick in a pool of blood, hands clutched in a final sign of love, with this nefarious dogthing on the pool’s edge, its head still bobbing.
I think that as a wedding present, I’m going to steal this, have a priest exorcise it, and then bring it back, no one the wiser.  Then, when they’re all, “Keely, we never got your present!”  I’ll just smile, look up at the ceiling, and say “Oh?”  They’ll never know that I saved their lives.  Except if they read this.

But, in all seriousness, Lilly and Nick share that rare kind of love that I hope to one day convince my gay friend Jared we might find through perseverance and denial.  Their love is rivaled only by the love Muffin has for The Dr. Seuss’s Pubic Hair Pillow.

One thought on “My BFF got engaged.

  1. Yess Lilly will be a beautiful bride………..You will be equally beautiful when you get married ….at the age of 30 :-))))

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