I went to acting school. Don’t stop reading.
Right now I have a small part in this fantastic show with seven other extraordinarily talented people. Because my small part comes near the end of the show, and because we haven’t opened yet, I get to sit in the audience and watch the show every day. I get to see these seven other actors work, see what they do differently, their new decisions, etc., and they truly are bundles of awesome.
Watching them reminds me that acting takes discipline, constant focus, and dedication that I will almost definitely never have because I’m addicted to checking my e-mail on my iPhone every few minutes.
Having accepted that these seven other people are much more talented and committed than I am, today I up and went to Subway. “My part is small!” said I. “I won’t be missed, they won’t need me!” And indeed, I was not missed or needed. But I still got bad Karma.
I walked into Subway and thought I was the only person ordering food. No, not because I was alone in the store, but because there was only the ethnic guy behind the counter making sandwiches, and the ethnic woman in front of the counter talking on her cell phone. Did I assume they were both working there because they were both ethnic? Yes, I did. Would any of the seven other actors have done the same thing? No, they would not have, because they are not only better actors, but better people.
I realized that the woman on the cell phone was ordering food when she started smashing her index finger into the glass between her and the (fresh!) Subway ingredients. She was getting a salami sandwich, and the guy behind the counter was about to put olives on it. This was, apparently, no good. This is how I know this:
Subway: I don’t know what that means.
Phone: (FINGER SLAM, FINGER SLAM)
Subway: That doesn’t help me.
Phone: (FINGER SLAM)
Subway: I still don’t know what you want on your sandwich.
Phone: I obviously want THAT. (FINGER SLAM)
Subway: Want WHAT?
Subway: Why don’t you order your sandwich and then have a phone conversation.
Phone: Oh, don’t you even. Don’t you EVEN. YOU. (FINGERSLAMS in my direction) Can’t you tell that THAT (FINGERSLAM) means peppers?
Me: I, uhh.
Phone: See? SHE gets it.
Subway: (Pulls out his cell phone and dials a number) ALRIGHT. Go ahead, go ahead and order now. See if I can understand you. What’s that? Chicken sandwich? Chicken–(into phone) Hey, one second. (Back to Phone) Are you pointing at chicken? CHICKEN? Because it’s easier to understand when you POINT instead of SPEAK.
Phone: FUCK you.
Subway: HAVE A NICE DAY.
Tomorrow I will eat dinner before rehearsal.